Attachment and Bonding
Yesterday we attended an attachment and bonding meeting with other waiting families at AAI. I was very impressed with the psychologist that talked, he gave a good presentation. He himself has adopted a little girl from China 2 years ago. So he spoke from experience as an adoptive parent as well from the aspect of a professional who helps families withattachment issues.
Some good points he made were:
1. It takes time to form an attachment because if these children have been in an orphanage for 6 months or more think about what they have missed out on. They haven't had their emotional needs met most probably because of the limited amount of caregivers in an orphanage taking care of many children. If our son wakes up in the middle of the night he wont have someone there to sooth him or comfort him, because most probably if he is awake other children are awake crying, or in stress. So he will have to learn to sooth himself, and ultimately he learns he can't trust anyone to help him so he learns to mistrust others and to rely on himself.
2. We need to spend time with him and be engaging, touching, reciprocating,nurturing to him. When he cries in the night we need to be there to comfort him so he knows he can trust us to provide for him. When he falls only the parents are to comfort him (not grandparents or friends), the parents need to provide for his every need (at least for 6 months until he has bonded). He needs to be clear who his parents are and that we will be there for him in need.
3. He stressed that we shouldn't have huge amounts of people at the airport to meet us because this can be stressful for the child, who is grieving the loss of his friends, only caregivers he knows in the orphanage, his language and culture (smells and sounds). If family want to see him they need to do it at our home in the beginning (his turf) and not many at one time so he is overwhelmed. The psychologist also said we shouldn't put him in the nursery at church or have babysitters for at least 6 months. So I will probably go to night church and Chris will stay home with him then.
4. For our biological children he stressed that we should explain the situation of bonding with the child and treat them to special time with mom and dad so they don't feel left out.
5. The most important point he made I think is that this isn't the child's problem but a family issue. We need to learn how to relate to him and bond with him. If he has a difficult time with touch we need to go at itslowly- patting him on the back (instead of hugging) etc. We need to treat him like a newborn...respond when he is in need, cuddle, eye contact,etc because he has missed out on this and needs to make up for lost time. We need to spend time with him, not put him in daycare but try and stay home (thankfully we are able to do this).
6. Children from orphanages with attachment issues have feelings of shame and self hate. This breaks my heart. I can't wait to tell him that God made him, loves him and placed him in our family for a reason. And that we loved him before we met him because he is a child of God!
I thank God for adopting me.
Some good points he made were:
1. It takes time to form an attachment because if these children have been in an orphanage for 6 months or more think about what they have missed out on. They haven't had their emotional needs met most probably because of the limited amount of caregivers in an orphanage taking care of many children. If our son wakes up in the middle of the night he wont have someone there to sooth him or comfort him, because most probably if he is awake other children are awake crying, or in stress. So he will have to learn to sooth himself, and ultimately he learns he can't trust anyone to help him so he learns to mistrust others and to rely on himself.
2. We need to spend time with him and be engaging, touching, reciprocating,nurturing to him. When he cries in the night we need to be there to comfort him so he knows he can trust us to provide for him. When he falls only the parents are to comfort him (not grandparents or friends), the parents need to provide for his every need (at least for 6 months until he has bonded). He needs to be clear who his parents are and that we will be there for him in need.
3. He stressed that we shouldn't have huge amounts of people at the airport to meet us because this can be stressful for the child, who is grieving the loss of his friends, only caregivers he knows in the orphanage, his language and culture (smells and sounds). If family want to see him they need to do it at our home in the beginning (his turf) and not many at one time so he is overwhelmed. The psychologist also said we shouldn't put him in the nursery at church or have babysitters for at least 6 months. So I will probably go to night church and Chris will stay home with him then.
4. For our biological children he stressed that we should explain the situation of bonding with the child and treat them to special time with mom and dad so they don't feel left out.
5. The most important point he made I think is that this isn't the child's problem but a family issue. We need to learn how to relate to him and bond with him. If he has a difficult time with touch we need to go at itslowly- patting him on the back (instead of hugging) etc. We need to treat him like a newborn...respond when he is in need, cuddle, eye contact,etc because he has missed out on this and needs to make up for lost time. We need to spend time with him, not put him in daycare but try and stay home (thankfully we are able to do this).
6. Children from orphanages with attachment issues have feelings of shame and self hate. This breaks my heart. I can't wait to tell him that God made him, loves him and placed him in our family for a reason. And that we loved him before we met him because he is a child of God!
I thank God for adopting me.
2 comments:
Calvin has made some get progress in two months. Keep giving him the love and structure that he needs. When we first met Medko in April 2010 he sounds a lot like Calvin. He did not want to play with anything for longer than about 10 to 15 minutes. After that he was ready to move onto something else. When we first got home he would sit and watch TV for about 5 minutes and move on to something else. After a year he loves to play and has started to use his imagination. Which is such a big step. We also had major behavior stuff like taking all his clothes off when we would tell him NO. Give it time and lots of hugs and kisses.
Thank you for this post! We have been struggling with explaining attachment to our family, friends, coworkers as they just don't get it and can be quite difficult (and even say hurtful things without realizing it). Would you mind if I borrowed some of this text for a similar post I am working on? God Bless! Myra Long (joe-myra.blogspot.com)...in desperate need of updating!
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